Super Secret

Wow, my first friends-only post! And a filtered friends-only at that!

This is filtered to a group of people that I feel comfortable with reading this stuff I’m going to talk about, and who hopefully can give me a word or two of good advice.

So, I guess I’m what people would call a “late bloomer” as far as sexuality. The things that were driving many of my all-girls catholic school peers in sexual interest really never crossed my mind. And I mean none of it, not even the capability of recognizing a boy in the “cute” category.

I never even had a real crush until my sophomore year in college, and it was very hard to deal with, as all of my current peers at the time had dealt with the things I was going through when they were in early high school. It was kind of a rough situation.

I got comfortable enough with thinking of myself as a fully-functioning sexual human female that after becoming close friends with a boy over a summer, I was able to slip into dating with ease.

This whole “having a boyfriend” stuff was new and exciting, and my boyfriend–in spite of having previous experience–is just as excited as I am about me experiencing these new things for the first time. Not to mention infinately patient. And I mean infinately. Kissing someone for the first time in my life was an extrodinary landmark, and he treated it with just as much importance as I did. And it is extremely helpful as we discuss my “affectionate progressions” pretty openly and straightforwardly (is that a word?), so it makes things very comfortable for me.

So anyway, having no preconceived notions about any of this sort of business, I seem to be progressing at a peculiar pace. Not bad, just…peculiar. There were some things that I adapted to almost instantly (ie boobs, being unclothed down to my underwear) while other things at the same time I do not progress on at all (any contact with my crotch, even clothed). My boyfriend and I talk about this a lot, as I try and figure out why some things come so easily to me and why other things I’m so hesitant about.

Often times in our discussion, he suggests that it might help if I have a conversation like this with a girl seeing that, well, he’s not a girl, and so he’s kind of offering a one-sided perspective, and his ideas coming from the other perspective are merely interpretations of what he’s dealt with in the past. This wouldn’t be a problem, except that I don’t really have any close girl friends.

So, my remedy? This LJ post! I looked at my LJ list and figured out who I would be comfortable with if I ever ended up in a conversation like this. Thus, I sorted you together and FORCED you into the conversation, muahahaha! I need to ask some questions. Answer to the best of your ability please!

1) Penises. I’ve drawn hundreds in life drawing classes, and in those classes seen more naked men than I can count (actually, most of the time it was the same 4 naked men over and over, but that’s aside the point), but the thought of seeing my boyfriend naked–even in an entirely innocent setting, ie changing clothes–is one that is fearful to me. And although over the year we have moved beyond the boundry of him touching my crotch (at least clothed), it is still undesirable to me to touch him in an intimate setting. I haven’t moved beyond in a non-intimate setting, putting my hand on it to see what it felt like (“weird”, that’s what. It doesn’t make any sense!). So why do girls like penises? What is attractive or desirable about them? What makes girls want to touch penises? Or gay guys even.

2)I suppose everyone has sexual anxieties to move past when they’re dealing with this sort of stuff. So, if you’ve been in a sexual relationship, what sorts of anxieties did you have? Was there anything that came easily to you with no anxiety? How did you get over said anxieties? For those who have not been in a relationship, what anxieties would you foresee yourself having?

3) Orgasms. I think I’d asked people this before, and got the answer “oh you’ll KNOW when you have one *wink*.” Boo that, I say, bad answer. What happens to you when you have an orgasm? I mean physically. My boyfriend was able to explain from his end, but encouraged me to ask this question to a girl, seeing as he really couldn’t give an accurate description on that part. I’ve never really masturbated, so I’ve never experienced one. Explain to me what one is! Explain I say!

4) Now, for me, sexual intercourse is a loooooooooooooong way down the road. But right now, thinking about sex, it doesn’t sound like a pleasant experience to me at all, more horrifying really. So, for those of you who have had sex, what do you enjoy about it? No seriously, don’t laugh at me! What transforms the idea of sex from something that sounds uncomfortable and unpleasant to a passionately desired passtime?

I will probably come up with other questions and post to this filter with them, and I would appreciate it infinately if you guys could offer some words of wisdom. If any of you are totally wierded out by this, let me know and I’ll take you off the filter, although I will always put these sorts of posts behind cuts.

Thanks so much!

5 thoughts on “Super Secret”

  1. ohhhhhh

    Lisa…..weeeellll..lets just say that sex the first time is awkward…hell, sex in general is f’in akward. lets see though about the questions…..I guess all it really comes down to in the end, is that if its the right person and the right time, all will be good. Penises ARE wierd things…..they just are…. and the orgasm thang, yes,you will know when it happens, i know, silly silly, but you’ll just feel it….too ambigious?????
    just try not to be too nervous…

  2. Oh, I revel in discussing this kind of thing. Let’s see.

    1) To be quite honest, I’ve felt different about every guy I’ve known. With some guys, it has just felt more natural than with others.

    But it did take me some time in general to get used to getting the guy naked from the waist-below. It’s hard to be sure of exactly what problems you have about it; for me, it always felt like… slipping downhill too fast, that is, you know that when you get to that point it HAS to lead to sex, whether you like it or not. I mean, it may not be that way (especially in a situation like changing clothes), but that’s how it felt, and it was always unnerving… you lose a lot of your control over the situation at that point, or you become aware how quickly things could move beyond what you’re ready for.

    I actually enjoy toying with my current boyfriend’s penis quite a bit because he’s the first uncircumcized boyfriend I’ve ever had… and I do mean *toy* (don’t *even* get me into the “the many expressions of the Eye of Sauron”…). Also, I know he doesn’t actually desire to have full-on sex yet, so it gives me a lot of time to give comfortable with his body, and how it works, without moving on to that next level of physical responsiblity. It’s nice to be reassured of his expectations and mine.

    Why do I like touching it? It’s hard to say. I am by nature a submissive, in sex. I like to give pleasure — it gives me more pleasure than actually orgasming, myself. Handjobs are harder than most girls give them credit for, don’t get me wrong, but touching, holding, fonding, masturbating — the side effects are well worth it. The way his eyes glaze over, the quickening of his breath, watching his hands grasp at the blankets… in a sense, it’s not so much that I enjoy touching his penis as I enjoy watching and hearing and feeling what it does to him.

    The same thing for why I like seeing it. I don’t really enjoy seeing it for the pure aesthetic or sexual value of “seeing,” which could be why I don’t really care much for man-alone porn. Guys definitely seem more visually oriented when it comes to this sort of thing, getting aroused just from *seeing* breasts, vaginas, naked bums, etc. I enjoy seeing it, abstractly because he is comfortable enough with me seeing it to do it — we’ve reached that level of intimacy that I am comfortable with his naked body and mine, and that’s a big achievement, as I suppose you can tell. Also, because I like having access to his body, being able to start something sexual if I choose. It’s a comfortable, warm feeling.


    1. 2) Sexual anxieties… let’s see.

      There’s the usual body-image, which even beautiful people have — “Will he like my body, is my X [fill in whatever body part you like] too small, is it too big, are my legs too chickeny, will he want to kiss me there,” etc. Some of my personal anxieties have come from an ex who was very bad for my body image, but I’m not sure this applies here. These kinds of things you overcome as you and your significant other get comfortable and happy with each other (“Wow, he really DOES like to kiss it!”)

      Like a lot of girls, I was afraid “Will it hurt the first time?” And actually, yes, for me it did, and the second, and a bit the third and fourth. So for some time, I was afraid I was broken. But now I mostly put it down to inexperienced males and my own belated figuring out how my body works. Now I know to relax, to make sure I’m adequately lubricated (naturally or otherwise), and adequately ready. We already know you’re not moving too fast, so this won’t be a worry.

      Oral sex! Yeow! Both ends had complications for me. It took me a LONG time to get to a point where I wanted it, even when the guy was begging me for it (and I have had that happen). Having someone’s head/mouth down there is a really open, exposed feeling; you don’t realize how naked you are. There’s no good solution for this other than taking your time and getting comfortable. With Jason, I always felt hesitant but willing, with Erik I NEVER wanted him to do it, and I had minimal complications with Isaac over it (other than a general, really weirdly embarrassed feeling with him looking at it, which I can get over really quickly once he’s actually *doing* things).

      As for actually administering oral sex, I thought I was awful at it for a long time because my first significantly sexual boyfriend never really praised me for it and was oft critical. I figured out later that if you don’t grab a girl by their hair and shove their head down on your cock, she can get her work done a lot better! My other boyfriends have marveled at my oral skills, and I find it VERY VERY fun. It cramps my arm a lot less than a handjob, and they enjoy it a lot more. Once you get over the taste (guys and girls are both sweaty down there, it tastes musty as it smells unless they’re shower-fresh, and sperm is icky but stand-able), it’s fun to watch them wiggle and writhe and groan as you work. I’ve never understood why some women hate giving them so much. All I can say for this is, make sure you go at your own pace and don’t try to go too fast (that gag reflex doesn’t disappear overnight!). It feels really good for them even when you’re experimenting, so take your time experimenting.

      There were probably some others, but that’s good enough for now.

      3) The people who say “you know it when you feel it” are full of shit. Women’s orgasms are ungodly complicated. I’m not sure I have full understanding of my own orgasm. Far as I can tell, orgasms occur primarily in two places — internal and external (clitoris-based), and most orgasms are either the latter or a mix of the two. It’s harder to get off *just* internally, but when you have internal stimulation (from a vibrator, dildo, finger, penis, whatever) it’s better.

      It’s hard to describe “what happens.” When just masturbating, it can feel like a release of tension, like something tightened then released very pleasantly. Usually you start to feel a warm tension centered down beneath your belly, and it will build up as you keep going harder/faster, and the tension will expand to the rest of your body (for example, when I’m working towards orgasm, I can’t stop my ankles from flexing HARD — I’ve nearly strained my tendons from doing this!).

      Try masturbating and see what you feel. I didn’t know for certain for years whether I was orgasming or hitting plateaus while working towards orgasm, and I honestly WORRIED. Eventually, I figured out that it doesn’t *matter*, as long as I’m doing what my body seems to want and stopping when I tire of it. The nice thing is, when you’re relaxed and actually can orgasm with a guy (and this can be HARD — you have to let yourself stop thinking and just enjoy), they generally feel even nicer, pantingly nice, collapse-on-the-bed-unable-to-move nice!

      1. 4) Sex is scary when you haven’t done it! I know! Hell, as I mentioned above, it was scary for me even after I did it, though I went into it too fast. What makes it feel good… well… I mean, there is the bodily pleasure aspect of it that’s undeniable. When you let go and just move and moan and experience your orgasm, it’s really good and it feels terrific. It is relaxing, it feels good, and we’re all drawn toward it inevitably by our bodies, as scary as it sounds. The fear and trepidation make it even more exciting, since sex is largely psycological.

        But what really makes it great, and I’m going to sound painfully traditional here, is doing it with someone you really love, trust, and care for. Everything feels more NATURAL then. And the way you feel at giving the person you’re with pleasure, and taking pleasure, all at once — it’s fantastic. When they talk about a unity of flesh, they really mean it. But the problem is, you really can’t describe it to someone who hasn’t been there, other than to say it’s beautiful. Unbelievably beautiful. It’s this physical unity that’s all tied in with the profound spiritual and emotional tangle you possess with a person.

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