So our next door neighbors visited us the other night to let us know that they were moving, because they didn’t want us to be surprised by seeing a For Sale sign going up suddenly in their yard. It’s just a typical move: their kids are growing up, they need some more space, and the house they have bought connects backyards with another family members’ house, allowing optimum running space for their still-growing dog.
It will be a strange feeling, though, watching them leave. I mean, although we are not super-close, we still got along very well with our neighbors. We watched their children growing up. They often came over to help us in our annual scare-the-little-kids haunted yard for halloween. Plus, there was a lot of casual, over-the-fence chatting.
They have a great big Yellow Lab, named Cleo, who has sort of become just as much our dog as theirs (the perfect dog ownership, all the perks and none of the responsibility, hehe!). It never failed that I would be away from home forever at school, but as soon as I came home and Cleo caught sight of me, she’d run around the yard all crazy-go-nuts, and I’d go throw sticks for her.
I dunno, I suppose having good next-door-neighbors that you get along with is something you can very easily take for granted. I’ll miss them, in a vague sort of way.
I’ve always hated that phrase so much…
Because I never think of flowers
I went to the zoo today to do some life drawings of the animals. Why haven’t I been doing this sooner??? It was great fun, and I got some really good quick sketches. If you wanna take a look, here they are…
Here are a couple of my better ones…
Every now and again, when I get busy or distracted or whatever, I totally forget that my computer has the capability to play music.
Then when I suddenly remember, it’s like a dance party for 3 days.
Okay, I admit, I jumped the gun, along with the rest of the world.
The moral of the story is, the media sucks.
Yesterday was considerably more energizing than the few days before it. I met up with LSC Scott and Mariah at the Louisville Science Center, where we did romp about our former domain. We surprised Julie (the volunteer coordinator and our old “boss”) by all showing up together, and it aw a fine reunion. We even ran into even more former volunteers from our time, and it was all joy and play and laughter.
Being around those guys, and around the Science Center in general, was just the sort of energizing boost I needed, and I’m really glad we got together. I miss the Science Center. That was definitely one of the highest points for me emotionally. It was just such a wonderful playground, full of wonderful, wacky, brilliant, playful people. I remember when I first started going there, I was so shy and timid, as I’d signed up for the program all by myself. But then there were so many magical people. People like Marsh, who taught me that off-the-wallness was perfectly acceptable and liberating. Or Jared Schuetter, who planted within me the seed of obsessive Hawaiian shirt wearing. And of course the people I met in the program: Scott, Mariah, Kathleen, Devon, and billions more, all some of the most fantastic and amazing people I’ve ever met so far.
We ruled that Science Center during our time. RULED IT. Spreading and wallowing in the joy and fun that was SCIENCE and play. It was like an imaginary world that I got to escape to as often as I pleased, only it was populated with real people who were just as imaginative as me. Alas, I should never have strayed from the path of SCIENCE! ^_^ Perhaps I should learn something from this.
*note* I was never afraid to dance when among those of the LSC
After our joyful reunion, I went to my safe place–Brendan’s and Maria’s–and almost promptly fell asleep, the first bit of healing sleep I’d had in days.
I think until I am able to dance and sing without fear, I won’t amount to much.
LSC Scott and I chatted tonight:
“lisa…you and i are a lot alike, i think…we’ve always been the happy-go-lucky goofballs…and to maintain that image, we suppressed our sadness and our anger and the like…and i think its finally rising to the surface…and we don’t know how to deal with it b/c we’ve never had to before…that’s my take on what’s happening to me anyway…
its not that we’re anymore depressed or sad than anyone else in the world…its just that we’ve never let ourselves deal with it before…but there is only so much you can suppress before it finally overflows…and after 22ish years, that overflow point may have been reached…”
He’s right, you know. I am “okay”, but only because I don’t want people to make a fuss. I said to Brendan “There is something broken inside of me…” but he didn’t think so. I think it’s always been there. Way back in high school it kindled. In college, I would sneak over to Rodes and cry and cry onto Brendan, but I never knew what was wrong. I cried a lot more than that, there were weeks where there wouldn’t be a night that passed with dry eyes. I just never told anyone, because they all looked so worried when they caught me.
Some people have been attributing what’s happening to me to not dating Carleton anymore, I think, because it is immediate (several months immediate, anyway). And while I do miss him (though I miss the physical proximity of our friendship even more) and while it was a sad thing for me, that is not what is broken. He could even see that. That’s what I always did, anyway, I attributed it to whatever was at hand. “Why can’t I stop crying?? It must be classes/finals/sickness/my carpal tunnel/whatever.”
That’s why I’m so anxious to be where and with whom I feel safe. Don’t worry, I’m gonna talk to someone. As per usual, trying to explain what is going on to the world is the most difficult part. I’m sure this post will only come off as a sliver.
Oy vey what a weekend! It’s like being back and school, only I *want* to be frantically futzing over web sites.
The first one is the web site I’m getting paid for. Since it is my first “job” site, I wanted to be sure and make it all Dr. Professional and stuff. I’m very proud of myself, using lots of new CSS I hadn’t played with before, no tables in sight (unless I *need* one for real and not for layout), and I’ve checked it in no less than 8 BILLION different browsers to make sure it looks okay. For a simple, informational website, it is quite a lot of work! I might get to do some web database stuff for the same people once it’s up.
On the second hand, since Brendan is very busy, and since I’ve suddenly found a lot of new time on my hands, I’m helping Will (Jaster) with his super secret website for his super secret secret project of secretness. Of course I can’t say much more, but the project has been a huge learning experience for me, as I’ve thrown myself in the midst of managing and building things that i don’t *really* know how to do.
As far as “how I’m doing” in general, I’m still wavering someplace in “okay”. I am happy to be able to frequently visit Brendan and Maria and Dave (though I do miss Ken and D Flo). I have decided that the only thing I really need in my life is to be close to one or more of them, where I feel safe. However, I am still trying to reconcile my emotions and my logic, and that can cause some painful friction. I have mostly just loaded myself up with personal projects, so i am always doing something.
I think things are going to be okay.