I hate everything

2014 Lisa Commentary – so this is an interesting post for me to stumble across. This incident was the start of the horrible half year of doctor hand-offs that eventually wound up with me getting diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It ended up not being costochondritis at all, of course, which is why the anti-inflammatories didn’t work. It just ended up being a super severe flare-up, exacerbated by the fear and stress of not knowing what was happening to me. I’ve had a couple of flare-ups this bad since then, but they are tempered by the knowledge that it’s just my body being stupid.

It’s funny, looking back on posts like this, and posts before this from undergrad and the theater where I was in pain all the time, and thought maybe it was carpal tunnel or just being overly worked or stressed out. In hindsight the clues are all there, but at the time I really did just assume that being in some amount of pain all the time was just normal, just existing. I was always quick to pass it off as no big deal and berate myself for complaining.

So, I’m sick, right? Costochondritis–inflammation of the cartilage that connects the ribs to the sternum. Viral infection. Whatever, it’s been a week and I’m no better and the anti-inflammatories don’t work anymore.

Before anyone wags their finger at me, yes, I am going back to the doctor. I have an appointment today at 1:30 like a good little girl.

So I knew last night that laying down hurts worse than standing or sitting, so I was kind of putting off going to bed. I was tired, though, so when I did lay down I was able to fall asleep without too much fuss.

3:38 a.m. — Some people were outside arguing and it woke me up. Or maybe the pain woke me up. Possibly both. Either way, it was clear that this whole “laying down” business just wasn’t going to work anymore. I couldn’t breathe and it hurt. So I jammed all my pillows in the wall corner next to my bed and gave the sleep-sitting-up a try.

4:30 a.m. — Clearly, Lisa was not meant to sleep sitting up. Oh well, I’ll lay back down, maybe it wasn’t that bad, and I should get more sleep before work…

4:31 a.m. — No, that won’t work either. Back to sitting up.

5:00 a.m. — Okay, I’m obviously not sleeping any more tonight, may as well get up. Maybe I can watch the sunrise! *checks and see that the sun rises today at 7:01 a.m.* Goddammit.

5:05 a.m. — Well, since I’m up, may as well clean.

5:54 a.m. — Don’t have to be at work until 7:30..hmm….I haven’t updated my journal in awhile…

So anyway, no, there wasn’t much point to this except to complain. But I am in a lot of pain, and I feel it is sufficient reason to pull out my complaining card. I am just very very grumpy. I haven’t gone to Kempo for a week, and the lack of physical energy outlet is driving me up the wall. I’m like, well, I can’t go to Kempo, but I can’t go outside and run and play, because it hurts. I can’t stretch, because it hurts to move. I can’t do breathing exercises to try and relax, because it hurts to breathe. Grumble grumble complain complain wah wah wah.

Rest assured, though, other than this, life is good. Mostly good.