I think until I am able to dance and sing without fear, I won’t amount to much.
Tag Archives: insights
Eww, I catharted all over myself
LSC Scott and I chatted tonight:
“lisa…you and i are a lot alike, i think…we’ve always been the happy-go-lucky goofballs…and to maintain that image, we suppressed our sadness and our anger and the like…and i think its finally rising to the surface…and we don’t know how to deal with it b/c we’ve never had to before…that’s my take on what’s happening to me anyway…
its not that we’re anymore depressed or sad than anyone else in the world…its just that we’ve never let ourselves deal with it before…but there is only so much you can suppress before it finally overflows…and after 22ish years, that overflow point may have been reached…”
He’s right, you know. I am “okay”, but only because I don’t want people to make a fuss. I said to Brendan “There is something broken inside of me…” but he didn’t think so. I think it’s always been there. Way back in high school it kindled. In college, I would sneak over to Rodes and cry and cry onto Brendan, but I never knew what was wrong. I cried a lot more than that, there were weeks where there wouldn’t be a night that passed with dry eyes. I just never told anyone, because they all looked so worried when they caught me.
Some people have been attributing what’s happening to me to not dating Carleton anymore, I think, because it is immediate (several months immediate, anyway). And while I do miss him (though I miss the physical proximity of our friendship even more) and while it was a sad thing for me, that is not what is broken. He could even see that. That’s what I always did, anyway, I attributed it to whatever was at hand. “Why can’t I stop crying?? It must be classes/finals/sickness/my carpal tunnel/whatever.”
That’s why I’m so anxious to be where and with whom I feel safe. Don’t worry, I’m gonna talk to someone. As per usual, trying to explain what is going on to the world is the most difficult part. I’m sure this post will only come off as a sliver.
Linguisticky
This gave me my first laugh for the day…
The past couple days at work, Billy and I have been discussing odd little features about language–weird origin things, like how pie came from magpie, where you’re not really sure if that is the true origin or if someone made it up who thought they were clever…or who really was insane. (to quote Tony Haigh, “If the hat fits, wear it!”)
Anyway, aside from all that, I think my favorite word is “vicarious.” I can remember distinctly the moment I learned that word. It was a vocabulary word in some high school English class. Through a drone of nonsense words that would only show up on the SAT, this little gem popped up. I read the definition, blinked, and thought to myself..
“This is the single most useful word I have ever learned in school, ever.”
What a great word. It is such a complicated and yet very common abstract experience. Several sentences’ (or at least one lengthy one) worth of sufficient explanation summed up into one tiny, glorious, USEFUL word. Because of its usefulness in life, I learned the word instantly. I cannot remember another word I learned from a vocabulary list, though by now I’m sure they’ve been submitted somewhere in my language database.
Billy said there was a German word that means “something you don’t want to do, but have to do,” and that we needed such a word in English, since that pretty much sums up most of life. I forget what the German word was.
Words are so cool. That’s why I keep linguistical word magicians under my eye: Dave , Ryan , Brendan , Mariah , and all you other writer sorts.
2004 Review
-January of 2004 started out with Centre term and The Yellow Boat. It was an amazing experience, and made me think that I might want to do props as a job. The show itself was a joy to work on, and the end product was so powerful.
-Also in January, my need for companionship drove me to acquire Fish, my first betta. He’s still going strong–moved all the way up to a 10 gallon tank–and he provided many things for me through that spring term of senior year (namely company, and someone to care for–sometimes at my own expense).
-Spring of 2004 was a flurry of busy times in my memory. I recall a lot of pain and sweat. It culminated towards the end, where it all paid off at the conclusion of my senior art exhibition, in which I was informed that I had acquired a job for the next year. The sensation of relief and excitement afterwards was amazing.
-I made the best of my last summer ever. It was an outpouring of pent up creative juices into various forms of art, spending time with good friends, and having Carleton nearby. I made it a point to never be bored, and milked the time for everything I could.
-The fall was the start of the changes. Moving up here, starting my job, having various intimidating grown-up things tossed at me from all around–it was all rather overwhelming. I’ve learned so much working at Long Wharf, both good and bad. I’ve acquired all kinds of exciting new skills, and all kinds of unpleasant new knowledge.
-Winter rolls around, and it is time for change. It is strange, I love the things I get to do, I love to be able to create. But at the same time, I am not happy here. To put it bluntly, working in theater sucks balls. It is not worth it. People say that to work in theater you have to “really love it,” more and more that’s starting to sound like a cop-out, something people say to reassure themselves. I remember hearing about when Laura Beth Adams gave up theater to move to Arizona and teach aerobics, or something like that. Everyone seemed so shocked, and even outraged, but I think I can empathize now.
I don’t know what to do now. I took this internship to find out if I really wanted to do this as a job, and the answer is a resounding No. Would quitting be along the lines of abandoning these people or this obligation? Or would it be the right thing to do, the braver thing?
More than this has taught me that being brave is terrifying and painful.
Rudolph with your nose so bright…
So, I figured as long as I’m on this Hero’s Journey, I might as well consult an Oracle. Delphi was a bit too far away, so I settled for a Christmas-themed flower supply store in Wallingford where–after venturing through a “Winter Wonderland” of frightening yet festive robots–one could enter the private chambers of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. As I went in with my props-mates, Rudolph offered us a clicking, jerking, animatronic greeting. We chatted with the beast, and he sang Happy Birthday to one of my co-workers, all the while rolling his vacantly-painted eyes in a creepy, robotic fashion. Finally, I asked the Ora…I mean Rudolph to tell my fortune*, and he told me, “You will wake up happy.”
Satisfied with my consultation, I went looking for a cyclops, or perhaps a hydra, figuring that’s my next course of action. There weren’t any at the park.
*For a moment, I thought about asking why Bono counts “1, 2, 3, 14” in that U2 song. I mean, that’s a pretty big leap from 3 to 14. I’ll save that question for another Oracle, I guess
A little of my own
Once upon a time, there was a river, and a field, and a great green pipe. Wertle emerges from the pipe for the second time and approaches Siddhartha, who is tending to his ferry.
“Is it my turn to be the ferryman?”
“No, you haven’t even left the city yet.”
“But…but I used the whistle!” She waves it desperately in the air.
“I’m sorry, but it doesn’t count.”
”Drat.”
“Why so disappointed? You knew that before you came.”
”Yeah, I know.”
“At least there are no Cyclopes in this version.”
“Yeah.”
Wertle climbs back into the pipe and disappears.
Venting on the state of things
It’s Late, I’m thinking
A weepy ramble
A little over a week of classes left, and I am too swamped to appreciate the whole “I’m going to graduate” thought, or to take some time and say goodbye. I feel awful.
I have been a severe hermit this year, and it’s been pretty rough because of it. I miss you Centre kids, and I’m sad I won’t have any time to hang out before I leave forever.
Is anyone sticking around senior week?
Strother, your DDR stuff is still stashed over here, don’t forget it!
Is there a drama junior/senior dinner this year or what? I helped do dishes last year, dammit I want food for me as repayment, haha!
You guys are awesome, I’ll be more specific someday. Bad timing for me to get all sentimental and sad…well, back to the grind (literally)
Time for an Update!
The Yellow Boat opened really nicely, and I was happy to see that we had reduced the audience to tears much earlier in the play than I expected would happen. Muahahahahaha! The Quilt ceremony was also really touching. Strother, you have a very haunting and powerful voice, I will capture you and put you in a jar and make you sing for me, and then I’ll give you cookies as a reward.
In other news, classes are rough, but interesting. The Beowulf Clusters class is going to be an ordeal, as the only available place for us to build our little cluster is apparently a closet. Granted, it’s a spacious closet, it’s just mostly filled with biology lab equipment. I have been partnered up with Ryan the Younger, and as we discovered, neither of us knows squat about linux administration, networking, or any real hardware stuff. It’s going to be a fun term (we’ve already decided to paint flames on the side of our node…you know…to make it go faster). To make things easier, I made sure our node was set up next to Jared and Zaid’s, so we can pester them relentlessly for help.
Algorithms is going to be tough, because it’s one of those “thinking” classes, and it’s at 8:00. I’m trying desperately to convince Dr. Shannon of my poor arithmetic abilities. When we had our quiz this morning, we asked if we needed a calculator, and she said no. And I said “Are you SURE, you know I can’t do math.” and she’s like “Nooo, you’ll be fine, it’s just a little arithmetic.” Sure enough, I butchered Euclid’s algorithm because I can’t divide or subtract.
Why is that? Why is it that I can do derivatives in my head, or even standing on my head, but I can’t do math. Like, at all. I’m a horrible banker in monopoly, because I can’t subtract to give change (also, because I steal from the bank ¬_¬).
Anyway, moving on, glass seems like it will be good. I have some good ideas to get my rolling with my senior show. Databases should involve some fun and useful projects.
I wanted to go home this weekend and visit friends, but I think this week’s workload will be too great. Guess I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day* getting ahead in my work…or catching up.
*Notice how I didn’t say V-day